The Day The Story Got Away From Me
by Frozen Shattered Roses
Summary: I was trying to be serious, honestly I was, but the old man got mouthy and Rangiku attacked and I can't see this one coming back to the realms of sanity anytime soon. Rated T for rotten language, adult situations, bad jokes, poor hygiene, whatever. Sigh
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, its characters or its settings

_Additional _Disclaimer: I don't know what happened here, I was just scratching a few things down and being serious and then suddenly everything went apeshit and the whole story got away from me...

* * *

There I was, looking at the subway train that had just replaced my body in my field of vision. Someone had pushed me onto the subway tracks, some twisted fuck had shoved me in front of a train!

I'm dead. I'm – I _was_ nineteen years old and I'm dead! A few big guys had grabbed the guy who'd murdered me, a nutcase who was laughing hysterically.

"Just you wait you son of a bitch," I said, pointing Zangetsu at his face. "You look like a hollow in the making. A day will come when I send you to hell for this."

"You ready to go yet?"

A familiar voice. A shinigami voice. I hadn't heard one since the end of the winter war, when I was bluntly told to stop meddling and get on with my life. That's what I've been trying to do.

Okay, I'll admit to the odd training session back at Urahara's place, but that doesn't count.

"Yumichika?"

"I happened to be nearby," he said. "We should go Ichigo, before they back up that train. I don't think either of us need to see what's left of you. It won't be beautiful."

"No, it won't."

I put Zangetsu on my back. "So what happens now? Do we take a gate back or do I have to get konsoed?"

"Strictly speaking you should be konsoed Ichigo, but that has potential consequences. If you'd like to ignore the formalities and take the gate it's fine with me."

"I think I'd prefer that."

We were climbing the stairs out of the subway station, finally reached street level.

"I had an exam tomorrow."

Yumichika's lips quirked. "Look at it this way, now you have the evening free."

"I guess."

We found a back alley where Yumichika opened the gate. It's a nicer way to travel, let me tell you. We arrived in a forest clearing at the edge of a lake, a pretty little spot that obviously had been set up so people coming back while using their hands to hold their intestines in would have something to look at.

Yumichika wasn't saying much. Wasn't like him.

"You're not going to get in trouble for this, are you?"

He smiled at me. "Not if you don't tell anyone."

I had to grin. That was Eleventh division thinking if I'd ever seen it. "About what?"

Yumichika laughed.

"So what do I do now?"

"I have no idea," said Yumichika. "Come have a talk with the captain, I'm sure he'll take you on."

I gave this some thought and it didn't sound like a bad idea. Zaraki wasn't much for rules, he wouldn't stick me into the academy or anything.

The pathway led down through the trees and into the Seireitei complex proper. It was some kind of park, there's no way one of the gates was outside the walls.

The gate had been the right way to come, if I'd been konsoed I'd have been outside the walls and they'd probably drop the damn barriers on me. The spirit cannon was fun but once in a lifetime is enough.

I guess it's not a lifetime anymore.

"Yumichika, they didn't put you through the academy, did they?"

He looked up, surprised. "Of course they did. On a part time basis. Even Captain Zaraki was ordered to the academy, though I don't think he ever got around to it. Being a captain already allowed him special dispensations, but in theory he still has to go at some point."

"What about Yachiru?"

Yumichika laughed. "Graduated with honors in everything. I gather it was a disaster like the academy had never seen before, the first division lieutenant was assigned to follow her around. It's probably what turned his hair gray"

We reached the eleventh division compound about fifteen minutes later. We weren't hurrying or anything.

"What the hell-"

"Yumichika?"

Zaraki was sitting under a tree nearby, and he wasn't alone. Most of the captains were there, including the captain commander. If the captain wasn't there a lieutenant was there, all squads but the fifth were represented.

Zaraki was looking a little sheepish, like a kid who'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

The Captain Commander raised his eyebrows at me.

"Kurosaki-kun."

"Sir."

It got really quiet after that.

Rangiku spoke. "Ichigo-"

"Don't even think it," said Nanao. "Ichigo-"

"Ichigo-" said Nemu.

"Quiet!" Shouted the captain commander. The old man looked around the assembled crowd, glared at Ichigo. "What are you doing here?"

"I was pushed in front of a train sir."

"You died then?"

"Uh, yes sir."

"So why are you here?"

That kind of surprised me.

"I-"

Suddenly Momo appeared, shunpoed right in front of me.

"Ichigo-"

"Vice Captain Hinamori!" The old man was getting pretty cross.

Momo blushed. Rangiku stepped forward to pull the smaller girl away.

"Well boy?"

"Please don't call me boy."

"I'm four thousand years old. I'll call anyone I damn well like boy and then I'll tell them to get off my lawn."

"Why are old people so protective of their lawns?"

"It's one of those things. Now Boy, give me a reason I shouldn't put your punk ass in the academy."

"Are you on drugs?"

"So you've got _nothing_. I thought as much."

What the hell was happening to the old guy? Was he senile?

"You've got no excuses and you're about ten years old. We don't take 'em that young."

I pointed a finger at Hitsugaya _"I'm nineteen! And what about him!"_

The old man waved it off. "He's over fifty, that's old enough. I think _your_ punk ass is going to the academy."

And that's how I found myself tricked out in this damn student uniform with a blank scroll and a writing set. When the hell are these people going to get out of the Edo? Most schools have computers, here you get fifty meters of paper the width of your hand and a great big brush. Brushes are for painting the house! My calligraphy is awful!

And they took Zangetsu away and stored it in the front office, I have to sign it in whenever I come onto the campus. Suffice it to say I'm not smiling much these days.

First class, introduction to using a sword. I said I was already pretty good with a sword. That didn't get me a free period. So I got to spend the next two hours in a big grid of people practicing sword strikes against empty air. What a goddamn nuisance. Wooden sword too, I wasn't allowed Zangetsu.

Seven years of this?

Maybe I could make up some time when we actually started sparring.

Next up, history. I managed to blob my notes so badly they're illegible. Enough said about the next two hours. I just hope it isn't on the test.

That brings me to lunch. At least that wasn't bad. I ate quickly and went looking for my next class. It took me the rest of the hour to find it.

One in the afternoon, day one. Finally I thought I was going to get a break; movement class. I can already flash step pretty well.

Try explaining that to your instructor on your first day. They sat me at the back doing silly exercises.

Okay, from here on in everywhere I go I flashstep.

Class four, the one I dreaded most. Kido.

They threw me out.

Well shit, I did exactly what they told me! Raise your spirit energy! So I did! For my trouble I got slapped across the back of the head and pitched out the door!

This place _blows!_

Class is in session and I'm not in it. I thought about going to find Rukia or Renji or someone and figured it'd be too much trouble. Might as well go back to my dorm for two hours before dinner.

The old man or someone had pulled some strings and I didn't have a roommate, which is totally awesome. Rukia in the closet is one thing, some clown snoring and farting away is completely another.

Shit.

I get back to my room, open the door and find-

Rangiku.

When I left this morning there was nothing in this room but the spare uniform I'd been issued and the soul pager I'd conned out of Renji. I wanted to call home, talk to Karin, Yuzu and the Goat.

Now my room featured a busty vice captain, two more seated officers from tenth division and a great big 'welcome to tenth division Ichigo' sign. Obviously Rangiku was in charge of tricking out my room and obviously Rangiku is a nutcase. I now have the only dorm room on campus with pink curtains, a selection of stuffed animals and a bottle of sake that I'm not sure Jidanbo could lift.

"Welcome Ichigo!" Said the bubbly one, and signaled her gloomy underlings to set off some crackers to fire streamers and confetti about the place.

"Rangiku, what have you done to my room?" I looked around. I would have thought it'd be pretty obvious just from looking that I'm not a Chappy-obsessed girl. What the hell is she thinking?

"Isn't it obvious?" Bubbled the Vice Captain, "we wanted to welcome you to your new home, until you join tenth squad, that is."

"Tenth squad?" I hadn't given it much thought actually.

"You'll love tenth squad," enthused Rangiku. "Our captain is a boy about your own age, so you'll have someone to play with, and on days you're feeling more adult you can look at my-" She breathed in.

I'm beginning to think I didn't actually die, that somewhere I'm lying in a hospital with a major bump on the head, happily hallucinating away. I've never been a drug user, but after a day like this anything seemed possible.

Boing boing boing. Rangiku wanted my attention and was bouncing up and down. It was kind of hard to ignore, if you know what I mean. Suddenly her expression changed, went absolutely flat. She hissed like a snake. "I thought I told you to get rid of those."

I happened to look over, she was glaring at a vase of roses on a stand. There was a little card attached.

One of her officers was moving towards them. Rangiku noticed me noticing.

_BOING BOING_ went Rangiku, BOING BOING _BOOOINING!_ She was all happiness and light again, and she'd definitely got my attention.

"Oh, just forget about those, Ichigo! Ugly old flowers! Who'd want them? I'm sure you're allergic to them anyway." She had her hands pressed together in front of her, which kind of pressed other things together.

Note to self, start keeping your jock strap in the freezer.

I'm just a little too quick, and I beat her officer over to the vase. The glum officer gave me a 'please kill me now' look as I grabbed up the vase, looked at the card.

_Roses are Red,_

_Violets are Blue_

_Now that you're dead,_

_Third Squad's for you._

_From Kira and all your other new friends at third squad._

I looked up. "This is _not_ Shakespeare."

Rangiku pulled the vase out of my fingers, passed it off to her officer. She was able to do that because she forced me into the corner and pinned me there with _them_.

"Silly Kira," she said. "A fine young man like you wouldn't want to join that drippy division. Come to tenth division. We have more fun. BOING.

"Then why are your officers so glum?"

"She said we were going shopping," mourned one.

"It was my day off," said the other.

"Shut up!" Barked Rangiku. Then she got me again with those boobs.

"I'll definitely consider tenth division Rangiku-"

"OH don't just _consider_ it, Ichigo!" I should have known that wouldn't be enough. Rangiku did a very impressive trick, she actually popped a few folded sheets of paper out of her cleavage without using her hands. "I have the paperwork right _here!_ See here? Look here. All you have to do is sign!"

"Leave him alone, you big breasted hag!"

Rangiku whirled away from me and I almost fell down. I hadn't realized she'd backed me right up onto my toes.

Nanao was standing in the doorway, eyes flashing.

"You two, out!"

Rangiku's officers put on the first display of happiness I'd seen and fled the room.

"You can't sign him up before he graduates Rangiku, those are the rules!"

They were facing each other down. I was looking at that paper in Rangiku's cleavage and wondering how I could keep it as a souvenir.

"Back off, Glasses," said Rangiku.

"Go back to your little boy, Shotacon!"

Rangiku looked like she was going to explode. "_Shotacon?_ Well go back to your staggering drunk!"

"Harlot!"

"Party pooper!"

Nanao demanded "What about this rubbish decor?"

Rangiku screeched "_Rubbish!?!_"

I took that as my cue to sneak out.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Bleach, its characters and its settings aren't mine

PS – this is supposed to be funny. Unfortunately I don't actually _have_ a sense of humor, so it might piss you off instead. You've been warned.

PPS – I use a lot of bad language. Adult themes too.

* * *

Went for dinner. I was kind of afraid to go back to my room for fear that Rangiku might be waiting. Here I thought I could handle her, but I guess not, huh? She basically challenges you to try uh,_handling_ her, and while that might make me famous it also scares the hell out of me. I don't think even a womanizer like Shunsui is up to something like Rangiku. She's a force of nature.

Dinner was very industrial. I'm not a great cook but I used to get by. A damn sight better than this actually, academy food is the last word in slop. It's a lot closer to a feeding factory than a fine restaurant. I'm thinking I've got six years of rice and ice cream ahead of me. Say hello to malnourishment and weight gain.

Ah, the joys of going away to school.

Day one at the academy was finally over, so I figured I'd ignore all homework and go see what the gang were doing. First I had to get changed; there was no way I'm going into shinigami land dressed in the damn student uniform. So I go back to my room, but I do it real sneaky-like; not many students can look into a third floor room from outside the window. The first thing I see are the flowers from third division, somebody threw them out the window. At least there was nobody in my room, so I went around by the door and actually went inside-

-only to find some bastard had swiped my uniform. I swear I wanted to scream. God only knew whether Rangiku or Nanao had tossed the flowers, but the vase was empty and the card was gone.

Rangiku's banner was still there, so I have to conclude Rangiku won the fight.

I need a uniform. I can't go around dressed like this. Where the hell is that damn soul pager? Thankfully they hadn't taken _that_.

"Yo, Hana."

"Hi Ichigo, I heard about your accident. My condolences."

"Thanks. Fourth is still in the supply business, aren't they?"

"Of course we are. Why?"

"Somebody stole my uniform, all I've got are these damn student ones. I'm too embarrassed to leave campus. Any chance you could hook me up?"

"Sure I can, but you've got to keep my name out of it. I'll get in trouble if anyone catches me."

"Pal, you're a lifesaver."

"What dorm are you in? I'll swing by first thing in the morning. Oh shit, scratch that, first thing the day after, I'm booked solid tomorrow."

"Building 2F, and the day after is fine if you can get me back into basic black."

"First thing day after tomorrow Ichigo, I'll swipe you some stuff. Anything else you need?"

"Got anything to keep Rangiku away?"

"I could probably find some kind of spray, but you wouldn't like the side effects."

I thought about this.

"Nah, it wasn't that bad."

"Just the uniform then?"

"Yeah. Actually, could you make it two? I'd like to hide one somewhere in case they find the first one."

"Yeah, I can do that. I'll see your soon, bud."

Thank God for Hanataro. Thirty six hours from now I'll have proper black threads and I won't be embarrassed to show my face back in squad land. And I can start scrounging decent meals from Renji or someone. Everyone wants me to join their damn squad the least they can do is feed me once in awhile.

Say once every thirteen days. Or twelve days, I don't think captain commander Jackarse would make good company for dinner.

Frick, what the hell am I going to do tonight? All the students seem to be on the keen side, they're all busily working away. Guess I'm going to bed early, huh? I have to figure out something to do with my free time; I somehow can't see myself doing much homework in the next six years.

Renji wasn't in, the bastard, and Rukia's off limits; she's living with Byakuya and that one doesn't want me anywhere near his sister. He's got some kind of system set up that intercepts her phone calls; anything from me is answered with a chilly 'she's not here. Don't call again. _Click._"

Wonder if she knows about that. Damn Renji must have given Byakuya my phone number, that rat bastard. Well, nii-baka couldn't stop me from showing up in person, not once I had a proper uniform again. I think I'm going to start calling him Byakuya-kun, or maybe Byakuya-bozu. Either will piss him off.

_Nooo_, I know, Kuya-bozu, that's what I'll call him from now on.

I called my Dad and told him about my day. He couldn't stop laughing, which I'm thinking is going to stop me from trying to tell Renji or Rukia. My sisters were glad to hear my voice, even if Karin just _had_ to ask what being hit by a train felt like, the little ghoul. Yuzu started crying so I felt like a bit of a bastard.

I lay in the dark trying to fall asleep. Through the walls I could hear people practicing kido incantations. How nobody blew themselves up I'll never know. Eventually even that stopped; they've got troublesome people that patrol the halls at night to make sure the boy people stay away from the girl people and all curfews are respected. Not my problem, once I've gotten something to wear. I'm no good with curfews. I am however, good with Shunpo.

At least I'd have the run of the place while I was here. Rules only apply to people they can catch breaking them.

It took me a long, long time to fall asleep.

I woke up the next morning to find a weight on my chest. At first I thought is was a cat or something, but I opened my eyes to find Seireitei's smallest Shinigami nose to nose with me. Yachiru is just kicking back, taking her ease. She pinched my nose and said "Morning Ichi."

"Good morning Yachiru."

A few seconds passed.

"Any reason you're lying on my chest?"

"I was waiting for you to wake up."

"I'm awake now."

"Uh huh." Yachiru didn't move. She did pinch my nose again. "Kenny wants you to join eleventh squad, Ichi."

"I thought he might," replied Ichi, a little worried that 'Kenny' might come in. The only thing worse than 'Kenny' finding the little girl using him as a futon would be Kenny coming in to find me attempting to lift Yachiru off. Nobody other than Ikkaku put hands on Yachiru, and him only because she'd have devoured his brain by now if he wasn't allowed to defend himself. Kenpatchi didn't want a cannibal after all.

I knew I had to stay still. Ikkaku once told me he woke up like this a few times a week. Usually Yachiru was armed with a sharpie or two. He said it was just a matter of waiting until she got bored and went away.

At least she didn't have anything to write with. Ikkaku is the perfect canvas for anything round, Yamichika insists he's been done up like a half a watermelon, a globe, a soccer ball, an eight ball, an eyeball, a baseball, and once apparently a human buttock.

I wasn't sure how you'd draw something like that and I really hadn't wanted to know.

Actually, I was starting to worry – Ikkaku still owed me from the time I'd given Yachiru a can of paint and a picture of the Blue Man Group. At the time it was funny, but Ikkaku watches a lot of movies, one of these days I'm going to wake up looking like Braveheart.

Time for a little animal cunning.

"Say Yachiru, did you know Ukitake keeps Snowy in candy?"

"Really?" She didn't sound too interested. "Did you know you have fifteen hairs in your nose Ichi?"

"Uh, no. No I didn't." Yachiru was supposed to be crazy about candy, what the hell was I going to do now? What else does she like?

Blood, mayhem, carnage, Zaraki-

I'm really not in my element here, neither of my sisters was violently insane.

Think Ichigo! I'm going to be late for class!

_Class..._

Oh, I couldn't.

Really, I couldn't.

It was too cruel.

It wouldn't be fair.

No sane person would ever countenance it!

I have a hollow inside. Blame him.

"Say Yachiru, my first class is Zanpakuto training. You want to come along? We can fight if you'd like."

Craziest thing about Zaraki, lay a finger on the girl, even pat her on the _head_ and you'd be lucky to get away with your life. Take a sword to her in the ring and he just laughs. Plus I've never fought her before, it could be an interesting fight.

I'm _not_ one of those people who've _ever_ taken Yachiru lightly. E-V-A-R, _ever_. And Sensei sees me holding my own against a Vice Captain, I'll never have to take another Zanpakuto class again. Shit, today is coming up roses!

Yachiru's great big eyes had lit up like I'd brought her a pet crocodile or something, one of those great big bastards the size of a bus.

She could call it Snap.

"Can I come? _Really?_"

"Of course you can! You're a Vice Captain, I'm sure the Sensei would be glad to see you. And you can help some of the stronger kids."

Oh man, _wrong_ thing to say, Yachiru's little nose wrinkled up.

"Weaklings? _Yuck!_"

"I'll show you my Bankai."

_That_ got me a smile. "Okay!"

"Come on, Vice Captain, let's go to breakfast! Then class!" And remind me to shed a tear for the noble sacrifice my fellow aspiring shinigami are about to make. Good thing they're all so brave, eh?

Unfortunately it never happened. I was getting her a tray in the cafeteria and she wandered off. Meaning I had no ballistic pink disaster to shake up my Zanpakuto class. Meaning I get handed my wooden sword, sent to my assigned place and told to do my damn basic training drills.

I looked over the sword. "Where's the Bankai on this damn thing?"

The guy next to me asked, "Whuh?"

"Nothing. Forget I said anything."

Day two I made a real effort not to get thrown out of Kido. This time they said raise your spirit pressure and I just opened it a crack. Thankfully they didn't think I was attempting to piss off the teacher, so they didn't toss me out on my ass. We started learning basic binding kido.

I don't know what the hell it is about kido. I'm a smart guy, I've always been a very good student and I work hard. Kido is just supposed to be some spirit pressure and some damn words. I've got pressure in abundance and a good memory. So why the hell can't I do kido? Too much pressure maybe, I don't know. _Whatever_ the deal is, basic kido is completely beyond me. Which is crazy, because one or two of the real monsters I can make work. No crimson fireballs, but I can do a black coffin – that's a hado 90.

Okay, I'll admit it's a very shaky coffin, with the edges wobbling all over the place, but the point is I can do it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt there's never been _anyone_ at the academy level who could do one. Not Snowy, not Byakuya, not Momo or Nanao, nobody. Not one, not ever. And this is going _all_ the way back, back to when a certain drunkard teamed with a certain white haired fellow to better chase the ladies two thousand frickin' years ago.

None of which helps me at all, not a goddamn bit. Pale fire crash? No can do. Basic binding kido? Unh uh. That six bars of light thing? Not so much. I'm pinning all my hopes on crimson fireball day; I'm going to throw dwarf ceros and tell people my fireballs are unincanted.

It's always annoyed me that I can do all the hollow stuff and nobody cares. Why can't they have a Garganta day? I can _do_ that one! You stay here and piss around with your six binding prunes or bones or bars or whatever you call it, _I'm_ going to another world!

Shit.

Kido really blows. I don't care who you tell, kido blows. It sucks ass.

Two miserable hours later kido was finally done. History was my last class and today I didn't spill my ink, so I actually ended up with some usable notes.

Writing with a brush also sucks ass. I was heading back to my room before dinner thinking, _Damn! Things in general suck ass!_ At the academy ass is sucked every day during every activity. Oh, you'll enjoy the academy! Sure I will. I bet even _Snowy_ enjoyed the academy more than I am. Of course he _would_, the little perv is breast high on the average female student- always running into them in the halls-

I haven't killed a hollow in three days now and all anyone seems to care about-

There were people waiting for me in my room.

Meh.

Captain Unohana and Vice Captain Isane were sitting in my room around a tea set. Someone, I'm assuming someone else from Fourth Division had cleared out Rangiku's decorations from yesterday. Lucky me, I lost the pink curtains and the banner (and the sake, dammit) and I end up with a medical theme. They've put in a few small cabinets, added some hospital machines and anatomical charts to the walls. Basically they'd tricked the place out like an examination room.

This is my bedroom, remember.

Anyways, there they were in the middle of the room having tea, seated in the seiza position.

"Please, Ichigo-san, come in, be seated."

It's like Retsu, this is _my_ room. Or at least it was before you put in all this weird equipment.

Had to look on the bright side, Hanataro isn't due until tomorrow morning, so neither of these two came across the stuff he's plundering from the store rooms for me. If they'd come tomorrow it could be more of a problem.

After what they've done to my room I'll be blaming these two if anyone asks who in fourth squad looted the storerooms for me.

Tea in a doctor's examination room - it's – I don't care _how_ you – it's just _creepy_.

Still, my mother taught me manners. So I sat down and Isane served me tea.

"Are you settling in well, Ichigo-san?"

Be polite, be _polite_. "I am, Captain Unohana."

"Welcome to fourth squad," said Isane, grinning away at me. There was something a little _off_ there, but I thought it was my imagination so I really didn't pay attention. She looked a little hungry, I just figured she'd just skipped lunch.

"But I'm not-"

"Now Ichigo-san," said Captain Unohana, "Fourth squad is really the only place for a vigorous and healthy young man such as yourself."

"Vigorous," echoed Isane.

"I thank you for the kind offer-"

The Captain ignored my interruption, continued "We'll be glad to have you, Ichigo-san."

Isane touched my hand, looked into my eyes and said "Veeeerry glad."

What?

"Yes, we shall certainly enjoy _having_ you, Ichigo-san," said Captain Unohana.

Okay, I'm missing something here. Did she just-

"Lots and lots of _having_ you, Ichigo-san," said Isane. She hadn't let go of my wrist.

_Naw..._

"Let me be perfectly blunt, Ichigo-san," said Captain Unohana. "Most people think of fourth as the relief and supply division. This isn't strictly the case."

"But I thought that's what you did."

"Oh it is," said Isane, "at least for the _other_ divisions."

"Pardon?"

"Our specialty?" Isane actually grinned and turned to her captain.

"Fourth squad's true specialty," said Captain Unohana, sipping at her tea, "is interesting sex."

I wish I could have seen the look on my own face. The strange machines they'd brought suddenly seemed very sinister.


	3. Chapter 3 Hanataro Tries To Explain

Disclaimer: Bleach, its characters and its settings aren't mine.

* * *

Hanataro had fallen over laughing and was unable to get back up.

Because he was laughing at _me_.

"_Interesting sex_? Interesting sex! And you _fell_ for that?"

Bwah hah hah, yeah I get it already.

"Well what was I supposed to do? Who'd have thought Captain Unohana of all people would try a stunt like that?" I was a little miffed, mostly because Hanataro was a hundred percent right. How could I have suspected Retsu and Isane?

"Interesting sex!" And Hanataro went off into fresh peels of laughter. "God, I've got a bridge I want to sell you! And some swamp land in the Everglades where I'm building a housing development! And I know a Nigerian prince who needs your help to get some money out of the country! You'll be well rewarded for your effort!" He burst out in laughing _again_ and had his heels kicking at the ground.

"Knock it off. I already feel like an idiot."

Hanataro slowed just enough to wheeze a few words. "I'm also selling male enhancement pills!" More bloody laughter! "I can't _believe_ - you fell for the - interesting sex gag! What a - _marooooon_!" Hanataro managed to get a hand down and lever himself partway upright. "Did you - fall off the turnip truck on the way into Seireitei? Hah hah hah!" He fell over again, did some more rolling around on his back.

"Knock it off Hana. And don't tell anyone. I don't want Rukia and Renji to know."

It took Hanataro a couple of moments to get back into a seated position, and even then the odd giggle escaped.

"I'm sorry Ichigo - really, I'm trying hard to stop-" and he snickered again.

"This whole place is insane," I said. "It was the shock of it," I explained - really I was trying to justify-

"Interesting sex. News flash Ichigo, there's no _interesting sex_ in Fourth squad. None. Zilch. Nada."

Yep, feeling kind of sheepish about that. "I'll admit I should have known there wouldn't be a squad dedicated to sex-"

Hanataro finally stopped laughing. He looked at me like I was from another planet. "Wait a sec, where on earth did you get that idea?"

"Hana, stop pulling my leg."

"No seriously, where'd you get an idea like that?" He actually looked a little concerned.

"So fourth really is a sex division?" It sounds _insane_ when you said it out loud. Come on Hanataro, you're not going to fool me-

He looked at me like I was an idiot. "Of course it is. What else did you think we do?"

What? "You just said it _wasn't_ the sex division."

"No, I said there was no _interesting_ sex."

Pardon? I just gaped at him, so Hanataro tried to explain.

"You thought there was _interesting_ sex in fourth. _Completely_ not true. Lots and lots of _sex_, but it's _boring_. I wouldn't call it interesting _at all_."

"So now they were telling _the truth_?" I actually squeaked.

"Well maybe _they_ think so," Hanataro waved a hand dismissively, "but _I_ certainly don't. To me it's been there, done that, repeatedly. And probably upside down too."

I think my mind is shutting down. Hanataro sees this and decides to help me some more.

"Really Ichigo, it's boring stuff. Wearing little pink nursing costumes, playing games of doctor, that sort of thing. It gets old pretty fast."

"So go to fourth and get _molested_?" This time I'm sure my voice cracked.

"Could happen."

"That's not _boring!_ That's fucking _scary!_"

"Nah," said Hanataro, waved it off. "It's pretty repetitive. Sponge baths, exams, a lot of dress up-"

"Dress up! What the hell are you dressing up as!"

Hanataro shrugged. "Each other mostly. I'm not very tall, so people usually want me to play the male version of Captain Unohana."

"The _what-"_

"You know," he said, like I _would_, "Captain's haori, long braided wig, nothing else?" He raised the pitch of his voice and did a disturbingly accurate rendition of Captain Unohana calling out "Isane-Saaaaaaaan? Could you come here for a moment? I have a surpriiiiiiise for you. And it's a _biiiig_ one!"

The image formed in my head before I could stop it.

"Of course you'd liven things up Ichigo. You're fairly tall, so you'd look better in the Isane wig then Lemura or I do. Again he raised the pitch of his voice, this time to perform a frighteningly accurate rendition of the vice captain of fourth. "Taiiiichooooooo? I have a surpriiiise for yoouu! And it's a biiiig one!"

I know I sounded numb when I said "All my illusions are crumbling."

"You have any talent for acting or doing other people's voices?" asked Hanataro, "I'm pretty popular because I've got a talent for the voices. And I'm double jointed and don't get motion sickness."

"But- but-"

"Oh I'm sure they'd just want you doing Ichigo at first. Suits me fine, I'd love to pass on the Ichigo duties. Just to catch up on my sleep."

"I-Ichigo duties?" I tried to say more but the words wouldn't come. Hanataro misinterpreted.

"You're a popular guy Ichigo, and I'm pretty good at your voice." This time he deepened his voice and growled "I'm a hero dammit, I don't have time for sex with you three!"

That would have fooled my father! He would have fooled my father!

Hanataro, smirking, held up a hand in a very suggestive way and said "Want to see my Bankai?" He was still doing my _voice! Stop doing my voice!_

"It's not as big as other peoples and most girls find it a little too quick!"

"Knock it _off!_" I shouted.

"And there are a lot of girls who want to be 'rescued' by a certain handsome young Ryoka, mostly one who climbs in their windows at night." He looked pissed off for a moment. "How can you see anything in that damn hollow mask anyway? Half the time I walk into a wall or fall off the ladder or something."

"I don't need to know this!"

"Oh Ichigo, what a big _mask_ you have!"

"Would you shut up already!"

"Lots of girls get Hanataro wigs so 'Ichigo' can kidnap them and drag them down to his secret love nest in the sewer, you know. Actually Ichigo, I'd be glad to have you take that over, I'm going to ruin my back carrying them."

"No I don't know! Please, for the love of God, shut up!"

"I'm just saying, if you're looking to get lucky maybe fourth squad is for you. But it will get old fast, trust me. Nobody has any imagination. Though if you did want to join we'd be glad to have you, I'd certainly love to get rid of my Ichigo wig-"

"What do you mean, _your_ Ichigo wig? How many Ichigo wigs are there?"

Hana gave me the most frightening knowing grin I've ever seen on a human being; this was a smile that would have backed off Gin and made all ten espada nervous.

"Certain Ryoka are very popular Ichigo, that's why they'd _love_ to have you so much."

It took a couple of seconds to get my breath back.

"You're creeping me out!"

"Though," he said, consideringly, "I don't think you'll talk Isane into giving up _her_ Ichigo wig."

"What the hell does _she_ have an Ichigo wig for?"

"Role playing! That way we've got a girl Ichigo! See the doctor starts off examining the badly wounded Ichigo, who says no, no, not my pants! And that leads to oh, woe is me, you've discovered my secret! On the surface I'm a rough and burly warrior but inside I'm a delicate flower of womanhood, chasing after my heart's delight Rukia, whose beastly brother would never allow our girlish love!"

"_Girlish love?_ Rukia isn't into girlish love! She'd have _told_ me if she were into girlish love!"

The way he could do Isane's voice was really beginning to scare me – it was insidious – it was fucking with my _brain_. "And then - it's usually the captain or someone, says 'I _knew_ Ichigo was a girl's name! Oh Pretty Strawberry,'" he'd switched back to Unohana's voice, "your secret is safe with me. Unfortunately, your virtue is not!"

"You're running a nutfarm!"

"Oh, it get better," Hana laughed, "as I said, you're also tall enough to wear the Isane wig. Again he went into the Isane voice again, "'Taicho? Taaiiichoooooo? I have a surpriiiiise for you!' And just so you know, Isane does a mean impression of Gin, so we've got all your bases covered."

"Not my bases! Keep your hands off my bases!"

"I'm just saying-"

"I know what you're saying! I don't want to hear anymore of what you're saying! Why hasn't someone put a stop to this? How did this even happen?"

"The hospital thing? Easy, we were the one division that always had penicillin, it just sort of grew from there."

I can't ever get injured again, it's not safe!

"What about the sewers?"

Hanataro gave me a dirty look. "You try walking in to your office to find Captain Unohana and Captain Kuchiki being less than discrete."

Okay, he had a point there. "That could be awkward-"

"Ichigo, she was dressed like me. Trust me, a few days hiding in a sewer start to seem pretty appealing. Sewers are dark, cool and quiet, and a great place to recover from repetitive strain injuries to your groin when it's not safe to go to the hospital. The sewer's a great place to catch up on your sleep. As for the rest of it-" Hanataro shrugged, "It's been this way for centuries. Eventually we became the medical and resupply division, one so we could use the medical equipment in our off hours and two because we already had the costume and prop shops."

_"Props?"_

Hanataro laughed. "Yeah! Like out Ichigo set, it's very popular. Comes with an orange wig, the Bankai coat and two cardboard versions of Zangetsu. And the mask, which never fits properly, I might add."

"That's because mine is part of my face. You're freaking me out here."

"Well you may want to stay away from fourth then, unless you want to find yourself chained to a bed with a hundred and fifty people dressed up as nurses in a line outside. Last time it happened to me I spent a week wearing nothing but an eyepatch, a smile and a Captain Zaraki wig."

I just goggled at that. "What the hell would you do _if he found out_?"

"He did find out. And he laughed in my face after he saw what was left of me. I believe his exact words were," and he dropped his voice until I would have sword it was Zaraki speaking - _"better you than me."_

"And this doesn't count as _interesting_?"

"Nah," said Hanataro. "It gets old fast. Like Doggy-Style day, where everyone wears shoulder pads and a bucket on their head. I was tired of _that_ joke before Lemura-san had finished telling it. Those damn buckets are harder to see out of then the Ichigo mask. Plus I don't like the whole furry scene.

"I - I just can't believe it." Hard as this might be to believe (or as easy – in which case, well, up yours) that was about the most sensible thing I'd been able to say since Hanataro got here.

"Oh hell, nothing unusual to it. We've got people that do requests." Something suddenly occurred to Hanataro, who paused for a moment as though he were trying to figure out the best way to put it.

"Actually, you might want to stay away from fourth squad Ichigo. The day you arrived all the Aizen costumes were checked out of storage.

_Aizen_ costumes? "What are you talking about _now_?"

"Ichigo, Fourth Squad is home to some pretty intense slash writers. They've got you paired up with everyone and everything up to and including the kitchen sink-

And _that_ was when I made my decision. "Forth squad is out!"

"Up to you man." Said Hanataro. He gave me a very dark look. "You really don't want to know how many people want to play 'Ichigo and Hanataro sneaking through the sewers.'"

He was right about that, I really didn't.

"Oh and let me know if you change your mind about those male enhancement pills."


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, its characters or its settings.

* * *

Know how yesterday I said now I've seen everything? Or at least heard everything?

Apparently not.

Here I was thinking that non-interesting sex division was about as wild as this place was likely to be. Really, what was I thinking? Non-interesting sex? How strange could that be?

Oh, but _today_ – It had started out a normal day, really, it had.

I'd gotten up without finding any nut bar visitors from the squads in my room. I'd gone for a normal breakfast. Then I went to kido class, where I (again) got berated for being able to do nothing right. Then of course was Zanpakuto class. I like Zanpakuto class – I have a special tutor by the name of Ikkaku who I spend my classes fighting. So kido bad, Zanpakuto good. Then we had our hakuda class and the academic part of our day. I don't really like the academic part – too much history of soul society.

Granted, for a place where people basically don't grow old and die, the list of historic figures isn't as long as you might think. That said, I'm really tired of learning all the wonderful things Gramps did. I'm also sick of reading about who Shunsui slept with by century.

Anyway, class ends. Then dinner and back to my room. I really wasn't planning too big an evening. It was going to be a basic 'pretend I have no homework and go to bed early' sort of night, just the kind I like.

Well look, I'm dead, I'm not doing any homework when I'm _dead_. Far as I'm concerned homework is for the living. Homework when I'm dead? Out. Being dead is for rest and relaxation, that's why they give you the box and bury you lying down. Because you're looking for leisure. That's what's on the books for tonight.

Of course that's not what happened.

I tell you what, why don't we make a small wager? Who do you think it was? Who interrupted my hard earned slackness? I get back to my room, and who should be waiting for me? Who?

Who?

WHO?

Who could it be? And what could possibly surprise someone as jaded as me?

Maybe I should rephrase that - how about WHAT is waiting for me?

"Pika pika!"

How about a goddamn giant pikachu?

What the hell is a pikachu doing in my room? And this isn't a little one, It's sodding enormous. It's bigger than Zarak-

Oh _God _no-

"Evening Ichigo!"

"Omaeda?"

What else am I supposed to say to a five hundred pound pikachu standing in my room?

"Is that you?"

"Yep!"

He tips back the giant head, and inside this immense bloody pikachu costume I see the smiling face of the Vice Captain of Second Division.

Three guesses kids-

"You're the cosplay division?"

"We sure are!"

I like Omaeda, he's a good-

Someone just stepped out from behind the Pikachu.

Okay, kill me now. Before she does.

Second division. Think about it. Who could come from second division? Who could it be? Who d'you think it is? Eh? Eh? Who'd you think it is? Do you think - could it be - oh I don't know - Captain Soi Fon?

Now here's the killer - who is Soi Fon dressed as?

Think about it.

Just think about it for a moment. There are all sorts of guesses - all sorts of people it could have been. One of the chicks from Evangelion? Nah, not her style (though it would have been funny). How about Edward Elric? Red coat, blond wig and so on? She's got the height, but it's also not her style. Maybe one of the aliens from DEARs? Or how about Belldandy from Ah My Goddess?

Now don't goad me, I want to know what _you_ think. Who is Captain Soi Fon dressed as? Who who who?

Try a page from the less obvious - Sailor Moon? Mmm, there's a possibility - technically Soi already has the braids, but really, could you see that one? Didn't think so. How about something calmer? How about one of the girls from Maria Sama Ga Miteru? You know, nice dark school uniform, calm demeanor, a certain gentle attraction to a certain purple haired female who'd probably be game to dress up as a taller and slightly older school girl? Calling Yoruichi Onee-sama? Or what about Kagome from Inuyasha? What about Sango or maybe Inuyasha himself?

No!

Guess again!

I really couldn't believe this one. And over the past few days I've had a chance not to believe some pretty surprising things, but this one, _this_ one takes the cake.

Are you dying from anticipation?

There in front of me is Captain Soi Fon, only she's not dressed like Captain Soi Fon, oh no, that'd be too easy. No, instead of the second captain I'm looking at Hyuga bloody Hinata from Naruto! I'm like what the hell – and she'll _kill_ me if I laugh, she'll cut my throat!

Hinata! It's bloody Hinata! Oh the Soi Fon braids are new, I don't remember the real Hin-

Oh my effing god.

She can't mean-

But my hair-

No, she can't mean to-

Tell me she hasn't brought some bloody orange jumpsuit!

Soi is into the Hinata thing deep, she's left off the Haori, you'd never know she was even a shinigami, the way she's dressed. She's got the baggy coat and the little headband around her throat and somewhere got some damn gray contacts- She's looking at the ground and blushing and tapping her fingers and having a grand old time while I'm looking at her and the giant bloody pikachu and worrying that I'll spend the rest of my bloody career shouting shit like Believe it! and That's my ninja way! Worse, she'd got a ferocious bloody temper and she'll tear me a new one-

I don't _do_ cosplay! I don't know anyone who does! Other than that bloody Quincy and he's just dressed up like a white suited arsehole - What the hell am I supposed to say to her? Am I supposed to call her Hinata?

"That's, ah, a lovely costume-"

"Do you really think so?"

She's doing the damn voice and everything! And she's not a great Hinata! Hinata is soft! Soi Fon is all angles and hard edges-

I can't believe this!

I almost didn't make it out of there. You don't want to lead Soi Fon on, but I didn't want to commit to an eternity of Believe It!

It took over an hour to make them leave, and sure enough when she left the captain of second division left me a gift. You know it, the old orange jumpsuit, though this one had a second squad emblem rather than a swirly thing on the back. I wouldn't put it past that woman to put her special forces gang to spying on me, so I didn't laugh out loud. Instead I looked over the damn jumpsuit and hung it very carefully in the closet.

At least it was the Shippuden look.

And no, I didn't try the damn thing on, not the jumpsuit nor the damn headband that came with it.

Believe it!


	5. Chapter 5 9th Squad

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, its characters or its settings

* * *

So another uneventful day of class. They've figured out that I've got pretty much everything but kido down, so I'm in the workout sections for the other stuff. To fill the rest of my schedule they put me in four separate and very intense kido courses. Not fun, kids, not fun at all.

Especially when some hound of hell signed me up for the etiquette course – the worse part is I don't know if it was that bastard Byakuya or Rukia or Retsu or who the hell else did it.

Not doing very well in that one, either. Anyway, it had been a long day, _another_ long day, and after a meal I suspect was poisoned I'd made it back to my room.

That's where I got the fright of my life.

Soi Fon doing cosplay of a Naruto character? Okay, whatever. Retsu, Isane and Hanataro telling me the truth about fourth division? I can handle that too.

Hisagi wearing nothing but a speedo and vegetable oil?

_That_ surprised me.

"H-Hisagi?"

"Hi Ichigo, long time no see. You want to play some beach volleyball?"

"Volleyball?"

"Yup."

He actually had a volleyball with him, I hadn't noticed that before. Maybe because he was practically naked?

"I - ah - guess so." What else could I say, _'Dude, you're dripping oil on my floor?'_ "Any particular reason?"

He grinned at me.

"Ninth division would be a great place for you, Ichigo. You're tall, you're young, you've got a smooth firm body-"

"I have a _what_?"

He looked at me like I didn't understand what he was saying. Then he laughed.

"For joining ninth division! It's a requirement!"

"Pardon me? _Why_?"

"Because we're the homoerotic division!"

"You're the what?"

"The homoerotic division."

"You're all gay?"

"_No_ Ichigo," he said it like he'd been asked that question before, "that would be homosexual. I said homoerotic."

"Doesn't that mean-"

"The company of other men, doing sexy, athletic things. Beach volleyball, Greco-Roman wrestling, oiling up and posing down like bodybuilders, wearing speedos, sparring with our shirts off, that sort of thing. Sometimes slapping eachother on the ass during team sports or engaging in manly hugs."

"Manly hugs?"

"Manly hugs."

Guys in skimpy bathing suits exchanging manly hugs? "And you do this on purpose?"

"We're very popular," Hisagi said. "The Shinigami Woman's society often sends people by to watch our activities-"

"_They write slash!_" And he was still dripping oil on my floor!

"It's not so bad-"

"What - the slash?"

"You should try it before you knock it, Ichigo. Come down to the beach, take your shirt off, we can wax you-"

"_Wax_ me?"

"Too much body hair is hardly erotic Ichigo. We'll shave your pits, give you a nice sports wax-"

"A _sports_ wax?" Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought the Vice Captain of Ninth Division would suggest a procedure like that to me. If you don't know what it is then I'm certainly not going to tell you. One hint though, ever met a girl who – ah – visited a certain South American country? Same thing, except, uh – _not_.

No, no sports wax. Not now, not ever. And no one is shaving my bloody armpits or any other damn thing, either.

"It's our invitational tournament on Saturday," continues Hisagi, "all the guys will be there. There'll be prizes for the winning team, for the best oiling and pose-down, best ass slap and best man hug."

"Will there be a man-boobs competition too?"

"_No_ there won't be a man-boobs competition. Be serious Ichigo."

He says that and he's got that tattoo on his face.

"We're expecting big things again this year – I remember this time, back before you came to Soul Society. It was the semi-finals, and me and Captain Tosen in our speedos against Captain Kuchiki and Renji - those tattoos, man," Shuhui shook his head and smiled. "Man, they gave Renji an _edge_. The other game was Zaraki and Ikkaku against Toshiro and Captain Ukitake. We got rained out and couldn't hold the finals, but it was all good clean fun!"

My mind's eye sees naked Shinigami, and this is not a good thing.

"I'm not sure I'm interested in that sort of fun-"

Hisagi isn't listening, he's in some little world of his own. "Of course it helps to stick a banana down your trunks. Apparently Ikkaku told Captain Hitsugaya a potato worked too, but he's young and no one told him it was supposed to go at the front-"

Great, _that's_ an image I wanted etched in my mind forever! My traitor brain was building this whole horrible scene; I'm going to need bleach to make this one go away. I'll _drink_ it if I have to - Byakuya and Renji shucked down and playing beach volleyball?

He was still talking- "I miss Captain Tosen," continued Hisagi. "Now there was a man who knew homoerotic. With those braids-

"Uh, yeah, right," I said. "Let me get back to you on the tournament, Hisagi. I'll check my calendar."

He was still in reminiscence mode "-I remember our first tournament like it was yesterday. Captain Tosen and I had taken a trip to the moral world – there was this movie called Top Gun, and it had a volleyball scene-"

Finally he seemed to figure I didn't think this was a good idea, Hisagi looked kind of nervous all of a sudden. "I could really use your help Ichigo. I need a partner and with Captain Tosen gone I've got no one to team with-"

"What about Iba?"

"_Iba_? Oh come on. Get real."

Okay, I could see that.

"It's just I don't want to forfeit my own tournament-"

"I'll uh - I'll think about that."

Hisagi beams at me. "Great! Looking forward to seeing you there!"

He walked by me, this vegetable oil covered mostly-naked guy-

And slaps me on the ass as he walks out.

I'm standing there trying to process this. Hisagi just slapped me on the ass. Leaving, I might add, a very difficult-to-explain greasy hand print on my pants. And this isn't some Rukia-sized chick paw, this is a _man-sized_ hand. I can hear Hisagi saying hello to people in the hall – people who saw this nearly naked oil-covered man leaving my room! Say, Vice Captain, that's an interesting tattoo! Why are you so thoroughly lubricated sir? Oh, this? I was just visiting my good friend Ichigo-

Even Rukia won't want to go out with me!

What the hell will be next, the Twelfth Squad Ungodly Nudist Collective? I really thought they'd got me with the Cosplay squad, but a homoerotic division?

Now I've heard _everything_. At least until tomorrow, when they'll hit me with something else. So that night I went to bed, comfortable in the knowledge that the dresser I'd pushed in front of the door would keep the shinigami out.

* * *

If you _must_ know, Hisagi was a man down so _yes_, I played in the damn volleyball tournament. Let me just say that volleyball is a really stupid sport for people who can flashstep. And _no_, I didn't get anything shaved, waxed or otherwise removed. And _yes_, we made it as far as the semi-finals before we were rained out, courtesy of the Shiros. At least I think it was the Shiros; somebody did some kind of water kido and that was the end of it. Given the Shiros were getting creamed by Ikkaku and Zaraki at the time, I'm thinking them. That or one of the ladies decided they wanted a look at Byakuya with water streaming down his well-oiled chest.

Hisagi and I had just busted through the team of Mayuri and that guy with the crank on the side of his head. There were the two courts going, the first had me and Hisagi in our speedos against Byakuya and Renji in their loincloths. Renji and Byakuya were red hot, having just shot down Kira and Omaeda from second division in the quarter finals. The other court had Team Shiro taking on Zaraki and Ikkaku. Sheer coincidence the matches were basically the same as that time Hisagi had talked about.

At least Team Shiro were wearing speedos; Zaraki and Ikkaku had skimpy loincloths like Byakuya and Renji. There were asscheeks everywhere you looked, _way_ too much man-butt.

Hitsugaya had gotten his stuffing right this year, though I doubt he was fooling anyone. It's like, little dude, maybe Rangiku isn't the best source of advice on something like that?

And yes, the ladies were all very appreciative of our undersized swimsuits (especially Yoruichi and Matsumoto, who'd both been into the sake). Retsu, Isane and a bunch of other women from fourth hung around all day too, that made me nervous. Rukia _wasn't_ there – she says Byakuya locks her in her bedroom on that day every year. So we all spent the rest of the day drinking Sake.

Drinking practically naked I might add, because someone stole my damn clothes while I was playing. Hisagi slapped me on the ass about ten times and the women's society was whooping it up every time he did. Trust me man, ninth division is _not_ in the cards. Normally I'm not afraid to walk home alone, but some of the things the women's society said-

I can't even describe that day. Picture Byakuya standing there beside the damn pineapple, all austere and stuffy and naked but for a loincloth and that damn Kensigan. Renji has his hair down and blowing in the breeze and the ladies are screaming and those bastards got more applause than us-

And let me say this about that, I'm betting if we'd stopped by the sixth division kitchens we'd have found all the potatoes in the place had gone missing around the time team six left for the tournament.

Stupid pineapple baboon bastard.


End file.
